This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.
The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 22
The Simpsons Season 32, episode 22, “The Last Barfighter,” is a perfect mix. It’s got secret societies, booze, and a big, old, ugly head. Since time immemorial, this unholy trinity has come through for the series. The Stonecutters cemented the dank and seedy underground of Springfield into the minds of the series’ fans. The Olmec relic of Xtapolapocetl proved even Mr. Burns could be gracious. And, of course, alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
“You’ll never believe what they laid on me tonight: Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,” Moe says as he sits on what we discover is his usual stool. Even bartenders need bartenders, and when Moe needs to unwind and throw back, he’s got a mixologist who’s got his back. Ian McShane’s Artemis is the bartender’s bartender, it is immediately apparent. Before Moe even pulls off his helmet and bellies up at the bar, we’d like him to pour us a drink.
Moe belongs to “something bigger than himself, and super weird,” another winning combination. He drinks at The Confidential, a secret club even speakeasy regulars couldn’t get in at the time. Members don’t have a special knock. There are no peep-holes. They need a special key. This is ancient. It is exclusive, historic, and they only serve the usual. They live by a sacred code, and this is the place where someone will “listen to the listeners.” It makes it sound so noble, you almost want to buy one of Moe’s pickled eggs.
But it’s a crystal skull which binds the story. Krusty cancels his show after his afternoon animal entertainment escapes in the studio, endangering dozens. This leaves the clown to drown his sorrows in tongue at the local deli, and Bart and Milhouse with useless tickets. They go into Pedro “Bumblebee Man” Chespirito’s Noches de Abejorro show, a Spanish-language almost-equivalent to Krusty’s show, and Bart keeps his cool long enough to win the coveted Calavera Gritando, or Screaming Skull.
The head is designed to look like a relic of the Day of the Dead, the 3,000-year-old Meso-American ritual honoring deceased loved ones. It is really a knockoff of George Clooney’s knockoff tequila Casamigos, which he “accidentally” founded. I always imagined while drunk on the tequila, which brings us to Carl. He’s an inventor, and a pretty good one, but he’s never filed a single patent. We are always getting fascinating tidbits about Carl and Lenny. Though it was even more revelatory to learn Barney got fired from the AutoZone for huffing floor mat cleaner.
The sequence at Moe’s bar is funny and moving. Moe-centered stories are usually among the best of the secondary character pieces in the series. He has such depth, Lisa once dubbed him a poet. He certainly is a tortured soul. Even the glasses he breaks out to drink from the skull are Iranian hostage commemoratives. When he comes to the other side of the bar and says “So this is sitting,” it condenses a lifetime of upright crouches. When we hear the barflies tell Moe “You’re not our bartender, you’re our friend,” we are touched. When we hear the skull declare “You fool, you’ve ruined a man’s life, and now begins his slow descent into hell,” we’re relieved. Because, from this moment, the entire episode builds a palpable sense of suspense.
We come back when Moe is remembering what happened 12 hours earlier. A time when he was just one of the drunks on the street, instead of putting them there. The sequence of the revelries includes amusing diversions like getting a group photo-booth picture with the skull, and a team teeth-whitening session, including one for the skull. But then things get ugly, and when things get ugly with Moe, that can go pug ugly, fugly, or pug fugly, which is where it goes tonight. He dishes so much dirt, even his crotch rag wants a raise, and it earns its pay tonight. Moe lets loose from the Lovejoys’ sexless marriage to Lenny’s wet spaghetti arms. And just who is the mayor of Greenfield? It’s funny because it’s true, but there’s nothing less funny than an honest drunk.
Moe makes a very astute observation. He is wasted. His bartending friends are drunks. The secret club sends an even more astute signal. Moe has to follow a rat named Kristoff to answer for his broken vows of silence. But the punishment of the society is worse than the curse of the skull. Not only is Moe cast out, but his regulars are cut off. And when a secret society of bartenders calls last round, it’s a serious matter. There’s cranium-splitting headaches, firehouse sweating, and hurricane vomiting involved, they don’t even show the last one, but the reaction shots and sounds are hilariously horrifying. If the bartender sticks you with a needle, you never touch alcohol again. Oktoberfest becomes sober fest.
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