This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.
The Simpsons Season 34 Episode 1
It’s a conspiracy. The Simpsons season 34 premiere finds middle ground on a very divided topic, follows a twisted story line with single-minded concentration, and still can’t see what’s right in front of them. “Habeas Tortoise” works better as a satire than a comedy, even as it hits every comic beat.
The opening sequence is a taste of things to come for the season. The town of Springfield votes to no longer celebrate Columbus Day because of Christopher Columbus’s problematic history. But it’s not as problematic as the naysayers, every Italian stereotype in Springfield threatening “woah,” in a barrage of clichéd dialects. Helen Lovejoy’s frightening anti-literacy counterpoint lays the trap for the underlying theme: Education is bad, and it’s time people learned.
The only solution to being a dum-dum is finding other dum-dums and corralling them into a safe space where there are no such things as bad ideas and calling it a think tank. This works in any kind of bubble, so, The Simpsons are still evenhandedly skewering the fever, not the pitch. While you won’t find any whistles for zebras, there is no shortage of white-boards, index cards, ivermectin, genuine Mrs. McLellan’s brand red evidence yarn (Illuminati strength), and other doodads perfectly formed for a takeoff on DIY true crime solving series. Enthusiasts gather on FaceLook, one of the many social media outlets to be found on the internet, which is surprisingly still online.
The protests are wonderfully ambiguous, both in-your-face and whatever-you-prefer, the small group of disgruntled truth-seekers is forever wordy. “We can’t be more emphatic,” they chant. “We think Leonard’s in your attic.” As they hold up signs like “What the Shell happened,” “What did Zoo know,” and “Is there a bathroom I could use.”
Skinner’s wedding song, an abstract takeoff of the essence of Sam Cooke’s “Wonderful World,” is a conspiratorial pleasure. It is a rallying cry for flat-earthers, and yet so touching. All the singer knows is “I love you, and there’s microchips in Charleston Chews,” but we would follow him down any aisle. The kickoff line, however, is subversively frightening, as the Superintendent of the town’s entire school system proudly proclaims he doesn’t know any history.
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Some new developments are revealed over the course of the caper. Miss Hoover and Gil exchange surreptitious vows aboard the Springfield Ferry, probably the closest thing they could find to International Waters since the Sea Captain didn’t join the paranoid cabal in their amphibian piracy. The Simpsons also plumbs their own mythology for self-referential pot shots, and hopeful conclusions. “Disney Returns Fox: ‘It’s Good to Feel Clean Again,’” reads the headline in The Springfield Shopper, and we see the birth of a future legend. There will come a day when someone points at this headline and laughs, probably more than they laughed at the episode itself, at least uproariously.
