The Witcher 3 is a smart game for smart people. Seriously, players have to be this smart to play The Witcher 3. Those who don’t like that can go play Skyrim or Borderlands with the other noobs. The only thing smarter than The Witcher 3 itself are its characters. These little Einsteins just run around the game making one intelligent decision after another – it’s bonkers.
Whether it’s a witty character like Dijkstra verbally emasculating Geralt or the equally savvy Radovid V, King of Redania engaging in a game of chess by himself, there’s no shortage of smarts going around in the Witcher world. But which character in The Witcher 3 is the smartest? Find out in this list, where every main character option from The Witcher 3 has been ranked by intelligence, from dumbest to smartest.
10 Eredin
A skull-faced murder man from Hell isn’t the first image that comes to mind when one thinks of the word “braniac.” But Eredin is packing some serious smarts behind that blood-stained horror show that is his Wild Hunt get-up. Seriously, somebody take this guy to JC Penney; murdery-skull outfits are so last season!
Regardless, Eredin has got what one would call street smarts along with some “ancient knowledge.” The dude is old, and with age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes glaucoma and needing help to get up the stairs… or something to that effect. On the surface, Eredin is a fiery badass but deep down, he’s a nerdy senior citizen.
9 Geralt Of Rivia
A wise man once said “Bear! Bear! Run you stupid piece of s***!” That man was later revealed to be the king of the wild, Mr. Bear Grylls himself taking the ninth spot. Wait, it wasn’t Bear Grylls? It was that stupid piece of s*** in that picture up there? So anyway, here’s Geralt of Rivia!
Geralt of Rivia, the Butcher of Blaviken, is another character who relies on his street smarts. On many an occasion, the White Wolf has outwitted all the “smart” characters in the game. So why does he rank so low here? Because he’s still dumb in every other department that doesn’t need street smarts.
8 Vesemir
Vesemir wins the gold star for being the wisest out of The Withcer crew. Why? Because he’s old! Vesemir’s got all that “ancient knowledge,” but it comes at the price of constant medicare co-payments and having to take his daily vitamins.
The books and lore at large also imply that Vesemir is crafty (and lucky) to have escaped the massacre that wiped out the Wolf School of Witchers. One can’t exactly attribute luck to a high IQ, but wisdom as a result of age and general cunningness are a major plus.
7 Radovid V
Wait a second… Radovid V? As in the Radovid V, King of Redania? The dude not only plays chess by himself, but gets tricked by a blind lady and a bunch of frat guys! So what gives? If this was The Witcher 2, Radovid would be in the top three, no questions asked. After all, Radovid was crafty, intensely pragmatic and he always made sense even to those who disagreed with him.
However, The Witcher 3’s Radovid is a big dummy. He’s the type of guy who wants to look smart and constantly does so by rambling endlessly, especially to Geralt. Dummy Radovid is smart enough to make it this far, but it’s a downgrade from how he once was.
6 Philippa Eilhart
Philippa Eilhart has always been one smart cookie, and annoyingly so. While many of the intelligent characters act in their own self-interest, Eilhart is the most transparent about it. She’s constantly spelling things out for characters like Geralt, saying things like “I’m going to betray you” and yet, they still have to bring her along for the ride.
Is it a testament to how smart she is or one to how dumb they are? Maybe a little bit of both. But Eilhart still deserves some credit for how far she’s come in becoming a force to be reckoned with - especially after her embarrassing fall from grace at the end of The Witcher 2.
5 Yennefer Of Vengerberg
Besides Geralt, Yennefer is the most lifelike of any character in The Wicher 3. Sure, consciousness doesn’t count for much when it comes to smarts, but it just shows how real her motivations are and how calculated she is about living her life.
Yen isn’t on an ivory tower scheming and menacingly laughing about her ploys – much like the two entries before her. This is one prudent gal who isn’t caught often with her pants down. If she is, it’s because Geralt is warming up in the bath in the next room over.
4 Emhyr Var Emreis
Yennefer’s cool and all but she’s a dummy compared to Emhry Var Emries (pronounced m-ear Var m-rees); the emperor of Nilfgaard. For those who may have forgotten, the people of Nilfgaard are he big kids on the block who are quickly becoming the biggest empire in the world of The Witcher.
Emhry is as stoic as they get; the dude came out the womb ready to lead armies. Like many geniuses, his pride and smugness isolate him from many of the people around him - even when those people are looking out for his best interest.
3 Regis
Regis is the king of the old school. The dude is over four centuries old and is still moving around like a young whippersnapper in his second century. For comparison’s sake, a centenarian living in 2020 would’ve seen the Great Depression, Hitler’s rise and fall, Elvis, Fat Elvis, John Lennon’s death, Star Wars and the birth of the Roomba.
Now just multiply all that by four and you get Regis. Even if Regis just lied around in bed for 400 years, he’d still be a genius. But since he’s a higher vampire obsessed with knowledge, he’s a super duper genius.
2 Avallac’h
Just barely edging out Regis is the man with the plan, Avallac’h. That nickname isn’t just a throwaway either; Avallac’h always has a plan, even when he doesn’t need one. What’s for lunch? Don’t worry, Avallac’h’s going to travel between worlds, converse with the unicorns and bring you back some savory fourth-dimensional unicorn burgers.
Avallac’h’s that kind of friend nobody questions because they just kind of go along with whatever he’s scheming. He’s even able to convince many of the “smart” characters on this list to do exactly that on many occasions! Even when people like Geralt do question him, he’s like “Brah, A2 + B2 = C2.” Geralt has no choice but to nod his head in acceptance.
1 Sigismund Dijkstra
That’s right, Sigi Reuven, or as he’s known on the streets, Sigismund Dijkstra is as gangster as it gets when it comes to using his noggin! What separates Dijkstra from those that came before him is that he’s nowhere near as accomplished as them. He doesn’t have magic, he can’t teleport between worlds and he sure can’t bring back Unicorn steaks from wherever. All he has is his brain, and he’s done so much with it. With no advantages, Dijkstra runs cities, multiple top-brass organizations that are in constant flux, and he still has time to tell Geralt to “F*** off!”
Spoiler Alert! Dijkstra even has a play in The Witcher 3, where he would quite literally become a leader of the new state of Redania. His only weakness is bad writing on the account of CD Projekt Red.
NEXT: The Witcher: 10 Monsters From The Witcher 1 That Could Appear In Season 2
